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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Midnight Stream of Conscious: A Meditation on Rain: In the In Between

A stream of conscious writing excersize that I do at year's end. And then I post it.... hmmm... I think that helps it be cathartic. Nevertheless, feel free to skip or better yet, try yourself.

I am exceptionally vulnerable to heartbreak because I want the world, and I am a romantic. Yes. I want the world and all of the love within it. My life has been lead with my heart more often than with my eyes. In fact my eyes have been but a silent witness to all the places my heart has lead me.

With love I feel I can move mountains and perhaps, I’ve come to see that love is my deepest motivation. To be loved. To be in love. To know love. To write about love. To embrace love. To celebrate it. To give it. To experience God’s love because there is none greater. He is the love supreme.

I live my life in the public eye but I appreciate my solitude more than ever. I think the buzz of quiet, the gentle whir of the heater, a car passing by, the refrigerator’s hum is Zen. A meditation on the emptiness of life, and sometimes we need to just exist in the stillness and back away from the everything, the good, bad, and the goodbad that is the universe.

I am experiencing a renaissance, a spiritual awakening that delves deeper than prayer several times per day. I want go beyond supplication, praise, and request… I want to be intimate with God’s love within the world and identify the spirit that moves within me.

I am learning that the world is not black and white. Good and bad. Male and female. We don’t live in a world of opposites. We live in a world of everything. I’ve struggled with the question of whether or not we are powerless, the mere actors of God’s will, or whether or not we have any form of power over desires. I am learning that true desire is God’s will coursing through the body, begging us to listen and obey. I am learning that there is power in vision, faith, work and feeling but like all worldly power, but our human power is always checked by the Supreme.

In life you have to choose a role and stick to it. My role, a glamorous bon vivant with an old spirit and a flair for the dramatic. A diva. A goddess. However you spin it, I have learned that we do wear a mask and even when we want people to peer behind it, and we desperately want to reveal ourselves, we can’t always. Sometimes we have to take deep breaths and just stay in character. And we have to learn how to love ourselves with clothes on and naked.

I love pearls and things that shine. I love being a woman who walks with a sway and whose legs perform a ballet every time she sits. I adore yoga and I love the unity of mind, body, and spirit. Perhaps that has been the goal of this entire year; to unite my trinity—to form a foundation, to liberate my spirit from negative energy, and to encourage positive outcomes. And while I’ve learned to experience pure elation, I have also learned how to breathe through pain, whether if it’s a contorted yoga position that distorts my ligaments and diaphragm or heartbreak. Breathe. In and out. Life is about tapping into the greater self, pursuing our truths, and praising the Almighty for pleasure and pain because both are the necessary ebbs and flows of life.

It has been a glorious year, but a year of rain. Sometimes low lying clouds obscuring my sight. Sometimes thunderbolts and gloom. And sometimes summer rain. Either way, water cleanses washes, baptizes, changes things, and makes it possible for growth in nature. Rain is the poet’s equivalent of hope. I am not quite sure where I am, but I know more now, what I am, and that my spirit is in a totally different place than it was 12 months ago, though still moving towards awareness, fulfillment and the spotlight. I became a woman this year.

On the eve of the next year, and the day after my birthday, I must admit, part of me still mourns for dreams deferred. For pain. But part of me rejoices. The sun is on my back. My disco ball earrings are sparkling as are my eyes and my smile. This will be a year of love. Maybe not romance. But I will touch people this year with a spirit of love. I will write about love. I will continue on my spiritual journey. I will honor the love in my life. And I will love myself. Fall in love all over again. Love myself long and hard and make a vow to never let go.

1 comment:

Thomas said...

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.